I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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