Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
