mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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