happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
