I wish my penis had an off switch
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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