I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
