im drinking this country out of the recession.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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