I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
