Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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