she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
