I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
