It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
