if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
