Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
