Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
tonight lets celebrate not being married
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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