24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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