Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
