We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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