kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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