so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
