she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
