If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
