That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
