Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
