I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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