apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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