I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
