I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
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