How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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