The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
BRING THE BAGELS
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
