He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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