my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
