I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
