My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
