My liver just broke up with me...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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