don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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