I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
