We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
