go do what you do best...puke behind churches
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She told me I should be a condom model.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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