You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
