Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Drunk is not a location!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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