My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
