There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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