i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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