I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
