My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
