Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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