Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
