we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
