Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
